Looking Ahead: How California Seceding Could Look Like

Today marks the one-year anniversary of “Calexit”. We tend to lose focus on why it succeeded in the first place. So, why did California succeed?

California believed it was all grown up. Its residents thought that it was financially independent and was ready to move out. Why? Dad was incoherently rambling on about the Mexicans to get off his front lawn and they have had enough. Its residents wanted to leave, but it did not know how.

The Yes California Independence Campaign was the American political action committee that was at the forefront of the movement.

California believed the other 49 states would fare well without it. After, ‘Calexit’, however, Donald Trump immediately imposed trade sanctions on California. California started to miss some of the foods from the states.

No more Idaho potatoes. No more Wisconsin cheddar. No more Vermont maple syrup. It was okay, though: California got to keep 89% of the wine the U.S produced at that time. American were puffing on their Cuban cigars while reminiscing of the sweet wine from the grapevine.

Border smuggling ensued. At the United States border, ICE were in droves. One night, they ended up confiscating 2-tons of Idaho potatoes before it is crossed into California. Calls for Trump to lift the trade sanctions commence with protesters holding signs up that say: We Want French Fries.

95% of the cheesy tots consumed in the United States derived from California. Typical stoner food. The trade sanctions were shortly lived as Trump’s favorite meal, cheesy tots, could no longer be produced in the United States.

In need of a new identity, California developed a new language. Surfer talk became codified. Dude and Dudette and replaced he and she.

Things were transitioning smoothly. Conflict, however, ensued. There were red counties scattered all over Northern California that supported Trump overwhelmingly. They wanted nothing to do with California. Frustrated, Northern California started a movement to succeed from the rest of California: “NorCalexit”. It was time for Northern California to become its own state, its residents believed.

Without vitriol, Northern California succeeded from California which originally succeeded from the United States that originally revolted from England. Thus, the circle of rebellion was completed.


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