Wi-Fi in Heaven

This goes out to God or any higher deity out there that may have come across this blog post for some arbitrary reason. Don’t hit me up for a spot in heaven unless there is Wi-Fi. I will NOT take dial-up as a secondary option.

I’ve researched the writings of Christian Theologians that are well versed on the many speculative questions we have about heaven. I need answers. What is heaven like? More specifically: “Is there Wi-Fi in Heaven?”

Of course, of course. We all have our own interpretations of what written literature and works of art intend to convey. Some people believe that Thomas the Tank Engine is a front for communism. I personally think it is about a little engine that could.


Due to this, we may have to refer to the bible to garner an idea of heaven and couple it by the commentary of a Christian Theologian. So what is heaven like? For clear imagery of heaven, according to theologians, there is no better bible verse than the following:

A river, clear as crystal, will flow from the throne of God and of the Lamb [Jesus] down the middle of the city. On each side of the river there will be a tree of life, yielding twelve kinds of fruit every month. The streets will be pure gold, like transparent glass. The walls of the city will be adorned with every kind of jewel, emerald, onyx, amethyst, topaz, etc. There will be no need for a sun or moon, and no need for a temple or church. The presence of the Lord will be its light. – Revelation 21 and 22 (3) Revelation 21:3-5

Really? No Wi-Fi? The streets will be pure gold but you can’t afford a internet plan?



I’ll guess I will have to use my data plan. Sorry, mom! Do you guys think they at least have an IPhone charger there? Look, if I die anytime from now to Sunday, there must be a way for me to watch the March Madness tournament. At least delay my death until April 4th. Thanks.


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