I’m Pretty Sure I Am Not Using the Internet Correctly

My friend and I were getting lunch one afternoon only to get interrupted by a loud ding. A red match appears across his notification banner on his phone: Congratulations! You have a new match! We both explore this potential mate. “Wow, pretty girl.” I thought to myself. My experiences with dating apps have been nothing but disappointment and deep apathy so I did not think much of it. Fast forward one year later: he is now engaged to the same woman he matched with that afternoon.


Our phones are powerful tools. You can meet your future spouse, learn a new language, and explore a diverse set of thoughts and ideas.

I’m pretty sure I am not using the Internet correctly and it is inducing my depression. I keep getting notifications of money being withdraw from my bank account. No, Wells Fargo, you do not have to remind me for the 5th time of my overdraft fees. I get it. Yes, MyFitnessPal, I understand that the large pizza I ate by myself had over 10,000 mg of sodium in it.

Typically day on MFP.


Yesterday, I watched a man get run over by a tank. Before that, however, I had a rigorous fap session that lasted an hour and a half. I could have watched an education video during that time, or completed a lesson on Duolingo. What a waste.

The good, the bad, and the ugly of the internet. We learned about the good. Where would I categorize the video I watched? The bad, maybe. The ugly lies somewhere in the deep web where people buy human organs and sell the eyeballs of endangered species. I am not there yet, thankfully.

The internet can be used for many wonderful things. Diversify your usage and be sure not to indulge in the bottomless pit of useless information.





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